Sunday, August 29, 2010

Pregnant Ladies are Filled with Milk

Nothing (except for Obama, cities, universities, the gay, welfare, people on welfare, and the Bravo Network) infuriates me more than the suggestion that I evolved from a monkey.  When I think of Charles Darwin, my anger centers become engorged and tingly.  That's is why I read this blog written by a bearded octopus from Minnesota. He makes me so hot...with rage.

This is also why I think we should kill all monkeys.  According to "scientists," once all of those smelly, anus picking bastards have snuffed it, human kind should cease to exist.  Idiots.
Only slightly less disgusting is the idea that I "evolved" from handful of ejaculate.  How dare anyone suggest that I once traveled through a penis and into a uterus by way of a vagina.  Disgusting.

Fortunately, there are righteous warriors on out side; warriors who will not shirk from unpopular arguments; warriors who understand science for what it really is: a satanic lie that must be confronted and destroyed by violence, force and, of course, even-handed reasoning.  In short, thank the God for Erik Lumberjack and Intelligent Gestation:

Not a baby rollercoaster
Question: Why is the Intelligent Gestation Institute speaking out at this time? 
Answer: If our children are taught in school that humans develop in their mothers’ wombs from something that looks like a catfish, and then a gecko, and then a reces monkey, and finally a human, it’s not a small step for them to believe later on that man evolved from ape.
This reduces humans to something purely physical and degrades our worth as spiritual beings. If our children believe they descended from heaven, they will try to act heavenly. But how will our children act if they are taught they come from come? How will they be encouraged to act morally? To be honest, our scientists are disappointed that the Intelligent Design community has thrown in the towel so readily on this very important issue. 

Question: Would you be willing to debate Richard Dawkins on this issue? 
Answer: It would look good on his resume, but we’re not so sure about ours. We would consider such an opportunity, but must take care not to elevate his theories to appear to have the achieved the status of true science.

Question: What are the academic qualifications of the scientists at your institute? We’ve been told that your chief research scientist has a B.Sc. degree from the Livestock University of Kentucky with a major in roast beef and a minor in mashed potatoes. 
Answer: That is completely unfounded and we’re disappointed that the secular press has stooped to using add homily arguments to try to discredit us. 

Question: In summary, is there any decisive evidence that you can give us?
Answer: It basically comes down to this. Which is more likely, that we developed in our mothers' wombs through an unimaginably large number of intermediate stages and then due to purely physical forces and blind chance ended up as human beings that are fine tuned to an order of magnitude of 10 to the 1,000th power, or that we’re a bundle from heaven? Occam’s razor makes the answer more than obvious. Let me give an example. Let’s say you’re walking on a beach and find a baby wrapped in a blanket on the sand. Which is more likely, that an intelligent being left the baby there, or that someone came on the beach? People that make extraordinary claims must provide extraordinary evidence to support those claims. The burden of proof lies with them, not us. Our Institute is prepared to offer $100,000 to anyone who will pop a nut on national TV and form something as intricate as the human eye from sperm. And anyways, if humans developed in their mothers' wombs from something that looked like a catfish, how come you don’t see catfish walking among us today and giving interviews on TV?

Feel free to spill your seed on as many beaches as you see fit.  Only the God can make a baby.

(via, of course.)

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