Wednesday, August 27, 2014

A Conversation* with Carman's "A Witches Invitation"

Carman was a thing that made me what I am. No regrets, but holy shit, guys.
This is nuts. 
"A Witches Invitation" by Carman was and is an evangelical music mainstay for its depiction of... 
ugh. Just read it.  
The standard is the song lyric, the bold is me . Never forget at any point that this is a song on a tape that KIDS listened to over and over and over again like it was fucking Raffi or some shit. This is a SONG!!! MUSIC SONG!

 One peaceful afternoon I picked up from my mailbox the strangest looking letter I'd ever seen,

  That’s called foreshadowing. 

a chilling little envelope bordered with flying bats, and serpents whose eyes were tinted green.

  Cool! Carman got invited to a Halloween party! Fun! 

The letter was addressed to me so as I opened it I froze. What I read turned my complexion three shades of blue.

  And Carman is pretty fuckin Italian, you know what I;m sayin. So turnin him blue, you know…

It said, "My name is Isaac Horowitz.

  Jew. Of course. Of course the witch is a jew. That’s why witches have that nose. Seriously. 

I'm a male witch, a warlock and I feel I need to spend some time with you."

  So far, Carman has been invited to a gay jew haloween party. Will he accept?

Now as a Christian from a little church with God's call on my life, a man of faith and power with a challenge to grow I did what any saint would do in my situation. I tore it up said, "Lord, no way I'm gonna go."


Then gently and methodically the Holy Spirit spoke and reminded me we're God's voice to our nation. It's the church's responsibility to witness, so reluctantly I accepted this witch's invitation.

  I have a suspicion that, if this is true, the Holy Spirit is Carman’s very curious labedo. “Gently and methodically?” Gross. 

He had the house you'd expect,

  What is the house you expect? I expect like a ranch style 3 bedroom with a garage in some shitty undriveable suburb where angry gangs of skateboarders with inner ear problems stalk the cul-de-sacs in ever tightening turns. I expect it is painted taupe.

the old English cottage,


a "Nightmare on Elm Street" special right to the core, the overgrown ivy, the gate that creaked when opened, somehow you'd expect Freddy to answer this door.

  If I had Freddy claws, I would have a hard time with doorknobs. At least at first. I’d Probably get used to it. 

The doorbell rang, a hollow gong, the knob twisted then opened, and Isaac stood before me with a grin. His jet black hair and well trimmed beard flowed with his black silk clothes. My skin crawled as he said, "Please come on in."

  Jew jew jew jew jew. Polite, but, jew. Ew.

His house was filled with every occultic

  Not actually a word, occultic. 

symbol you could fathom; Hanging pentagrams and horoscope signs, a Ouija board and dungeons and dragons game set on the table, a crystal ball with an incandescent shine.

  Did you play D & D as a kid? I didn’t. I burned a lot of manuals, though. Thanks, Carman, for helping me to be a fucking Nazi.

Then he led me to a high backed chair as he meticulously began to unfold his scenario with evil patience. I was given a giant leather bound book jammed with newspaper clipping,

  To recap: gay, jew, Halloween party, and with a scrapbooking theme. 

thus the reason for this witch's invitation. With eagerness he pointed to each article with pride. He said, "I healed this woman through a Babylonian chant; See this man, I cured him while performing druid worship; I was paid to curse this man with AIDS by his aunt."

  All joking aside. What kind of aunt wishes aids on her nephew? What the fuck happened there? I want to know THAT story, Carman! 

On and on, page after page, delightfully he flaunted each incident for an hour without a breath. He said, "Do you realize through my understanding of the dark regions that I can make you rich or even curse someone to death?" I sat literally intimidated by the immensity in demon power while his face shone with a satanic arrogant bliss. Then placing his hands on the arms of my chair and leaning into my face he said, "What can your God do to compete with this?"

  Considering the state of the middle east and peace on earth in general, I think this is a fair question to ask at this point. But Carman wants us to see this as an attack. Christians need to be the victims. But fuckin Issac, here, he is the only Satanist in town! He doesn’t have a church. He has a fucking craigs list ad. His house is full of candles and nine inch nails posters and it smells like ferret shit. He is the minority. He is powerless. He is silly and gross. Why do you have to pretend to be scared by this shit, you fucking greaseball? 

I knew then how Moses felt, how when his rod turned to a serpent and the three Egyptian magicians did the same. It's as if you're sitting there in that stunned moment while your faith get violated and all you feel is weak, powerless and lame.

  Somebody doesn’t enjoy the bottom experience. I hear a lot of regret and disappointment here.

I desperately and deeply prayed saying, "Jesus give me wisdom - I don't want to put you through some foolish test. Then a shaft of light shot through my soul lighting my eyes with fire.


God stood me up and I threw the book back in his chest.

  Oh. Is that all?

I said "Isaac, I'll not compare God's miracles versus Satan's - the issue's not God's kingdom and Satan's lair. The real comparison is the condition of your soul and the condition of mine, and you puppet of the devil, that I will compare. My friend, one day they're coming for you - the soft associates in your incantations - the friendly demons you think you now control. The time will come when you'll be lying in bed wheezing like a dying animal and those spirits lay claim to the rights they own to your soul." "Then the room will grow dark, and the most hideous evil faces will come flaming out of the floor with a yell! The vile informants that promised reincarnation will claw your spirit and victoriously drag your soul to hell!"

  Thiiiiis is a kiiiiiiiiids song. La alalalalalallalalallallallalaaallalla! 

Then I grabbed the book and said, "In that moment which mantra, which incantation you gonna chant to tell them to leave you alone? My friend, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt what I would say...'I'm bought with the blood of Jesus! Let me go!' "

  I don’t think he ever touched you, dude. You are gross. Go wipe your face. 

Then Isaac jumped up from his chair and screamed, "You must leave now!" I said, "I will, but one last obligation –

  Nope. Using a word wrong to set up a stupid rhyme with this stupid song’s stupid title. Nope. 

Next time think twice before you rumble with a man of God!!!

  Good Grief.

And by the way thanks for your.. uhh... witch's invitation.

  Go fuck yourself Carman. 

* Apologies and thanks to Fire Joe Morgan and Gin and Tacos

Saturday, October 8, 2011


Sarah fucked me, but not in the good way. SHE was the only thing standing between this country and the socialist hell that Barrybama wants to enter.
Why, oh why.
Who can I jerk it to now that Sarah is gone and Michelle is looking for a "what what"?

Sunday, September 25, 2011

It's about time to wake this shit up

Barrybama better step it up. BCC is coming back in full effect with the GOP primary season upon us, and soon (and very soon) it'll be time for negro hosin', pervert hatin', and hippie punchin' all up in this cobwebby motherfucker.
Do I give a fuck very much? Ask your dream-catchin' dyke mama.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

The God Will Save Us from Rational Thought

A mentally and physically crippled gangsta rapper and sometime theoretical physicist is making yet another argument that The God doesn't exist:

Hawking says in his book "The Grand Design" that, given the existence of gravity, "the universe can and will create itself from nothing," according to an excerpt published Thursday in The Times of London.
"Spontaneous creation is the reason why there is something rather than nothing, why the universe exists, why we exist," he writes in the excerpt.
"It is not necessary to invoke God to light the blue touch paper [fuse] and set the universe going," he writes.

Hawking and other "scientists" keep "theorizing" and "thinking" about how the universe came to be and they always insist on "validating" their "claims" with "evidence."  "There's no proof that The God exists," they say, even as the true philosophers among us observe the supernaturality of magnets and rainbows.  
Only GOD can make a Motherfucking Tree, bitch
Well, Mr. Hawking:  If you really want proof of The God's existence, you need look no further than your crippled and twisted frame.  It's so brutally obvious that the Master of the Universe knew that you would spend your life blaspheming and belittling His Name, and so created you with a body that loudly broadcasts not only the proof of His existence, but also the power and justifiable pettiness of His vengeance.

And so, for you, there is and was and always will  be no hope for your salvation.  The God that you deny will forever flip you the bird, sir, until you are retired to a particularly hot and brimstoney dimension that has so far escaped your smarty-pants observations.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

If We Can't Bully the Gay, the Only Bullies Will Be Gay

Some of my earliest and best memories concern pinning small young boys face down on the ground while I mounted them, passed their guard and performed a series of submission holds on them culminating with a rear naked choke.  I would then put them in a choke hold until they passed out.   But now the Rainbow Brites want to take that joy, nay, that rite of passage, away from our pure-blooded, blonde-headed, Godly, strapping young men.

Haven't they taken enough of our happiness already?  They've already stolen Broadway musicals, leather chaps, parades, feather boas, Portia de Rossi , bears, otters (and any number of other cute, furry creatures,) high fashion, and Great Britain.  Why do they have to come after schoolyard bullying?

Fortunately, James Dobson and Focus on the Family are there to point out who the real bully is: The Gay.
He's going to use your lunch money to download Lady Gaga albums from iTunes
You see, LGBT organizations are using anti-bullying campaigns in order to push their rich and tempting decadent lifestyle on the most vulnerable of our citizens: violent, underage, Christian giants.

According to FOTF Re-Education expert Candi Cushman,
...activists are being deceptive in using anti-bullying rhetoric to introduce their viewpoints, while the viewpoint of Christian students and parents are increasingly belittled.
Did you hear that, skinny-little-faggot-getting-his-face-mashed-into-the-concrete?!  You are making Baby Jesus cry!  And not only that, you might as well be dripping the AIDS blood that's spurting from your broken nose and lacerated scalp all over the Christian Legacy upon which our Great Nation (AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL) was founded!

Why can't we go back to the good old days when homosexuals either stayed out of sight or were so good at passing for straight that we never noticed their forbidden proclivities until we were locked in a passionate, musky embrace on the back seat of the bus on the way home from the last football game of my Senior year of high school only to agree that we must never speak of it again and that we must never be alone together until we met at that bar in Tijuana during spring break two years later?


Sunday, August 29, 2010

Pregnant Ladies are Filled with Milk

Nothing (except for Obama, cities, universities, the gay, welfare, people on welfare, and the Bravo Network) infuriates me more than the suggestion that I evolved from a monkey.  When I think of Charles Darwin, my anger centers become engorged and tingly.  That's is why I read this blog written by a bearded octopus from Minnesota. He makes me so hot...with rage.

This is also why I think we should kill all monkeys.  According to "scientists," once all of those smelly, anus picking bastards have snuffed it, human kind should cease to exist.  Idiots.
Only slightly less disgusting is the idea that I "evolved" from handful of ejaculate.  How dare anyone suggest that I once traveled through a penis and into a uterus by way of a vagina.  Disgusting.

Fortunately, there are righteous warriors on out side; warriors who will not shirk from unpopular arguments; warriors who understand science for what it really is: a satanic lie that must be confronted and destroyed by violence, force and, of course, even-handed reasoning.  In short, thank the God for Erik Lumberjack and Intelligent Gestation:

Not a baby rollercoaster
Question: Why is the Intelligent Gestation Institute speaking out at this time? 
Answer: If our children are taught in school that humans develop in their mothers’ wombs from something that looks like a catfish, and then a gecko, and then a reces monkey, and finally a human, it’s not a small step for them to believe later on that man evolved from ape.
This reduces humans to something purely physical and degrades our worth as spiritual beings. If our children believe they descended from heaven, they will try to act heavenly. But how will our children act if they are taught they come from come? How will they be encouraged to act morally? To be honest, our scientists are disappointed that the Intelligent Design community has thrown in the towel so readily on this very important issue. 

Question: Would you be willing to debate Richard Dawkins on this issue? 
Answer: It would look good on his resume, but we’re not so sure about ours. We would consider such an opportunity, but must take care not to elevate his theories to appear to have the achieved the status of true science.

Question: What are the academic qualifications of the scientists at your institute? We’ve been told that your chief research scientist has a B.Sc. degree from the Livestock University of Kentucky with a major in roast beef and a minor in mashed potatoes. 
Answer: That is completely unfounded and we’re disappointed that the secular press has stooped to using add homily arguments to try to discredit us. 

Question: In summary, is there any decisive evidence that you can give us?
Answer: It basically comes down to this. Which is more likely, that we developed in our mothers' wombs through an unimaginably large number of intermediate stages and then due to purely physical forces and blind chance ended up as human beings that are fine tuned to an order of magnitude of 10 to the 1,000th power, or that we’re a bundle from heaven? Occam’s razor makes the answer more than obvious. Let me give an example. Let’s say you’re walking on a beach and find a baby wrapped in a blanket on the sand. Which is more likely, that an intelligent being left the baby there, or that someone came on the beach? People that make extraordinary claims must provide extraordinary evidence to support those claims. The burden of proof lies with them, not us. Our Institute is prepared to offer $100,000 to anyone who will pop a nut on national TV and form something as intricate as the human eye from sperm. And anyways, if humans developed in their mothers' wombs from something that looked like a catfish, how come you don’t see catfish walking among us today and giving interviews on TV?

Feel free to spill your seed on as many beaches as you see fit.  Only the God can make a baby.

(via, of course.)

Saturday, August 28, 2010

What the Muslin Has Doing

I can't say that I approve of everything they do at this Wonkette "website," but I was pleased to find this link to the eloquent words of so many White God Fearing AMERICANS.  Americans like Mr. Cunningham, who has apparently been robbed of his clothing, tattooed against his will and has been given a last drink and cigarette before he is forced to walk the plank by Islamofascist Communist Socialist Communists.

Do not go easy into that briny deep, soldier, but know that your blood and sweat has not been waisted.  Your people freedom will be safe as long as there are people like me in this country.  I will never let that Muslin Obama fold to the terrorists who want to build the mosk in Ground Zero.

So thank you for thanking me by killing brown people.  You're welcome.

Hot, Sexy, Dirty Wrath

I try to live my life without regret.  When I see something I want, I take it.  When I decide that I don't want it anymore, I condemn it, rebuke it and spew it out of my mouth.  Do it NOW.  Live without Fear.  Cast your pearls before swine.  If they trample them under their feet, then fuckin-A, it's time to make some bacon.

That being said, I will always be sad that I couldn't make my pilgrimage to learn at the feet of the Prophet.


Today, the pearls will be cast into the stinking trough that is Washington D.C.  Al Sharpton will cringe, Nancy Pelosi will squeal and cower, Harry Reid will blanch and then collapse on his fainting couch like a punctured flesh balloon.

We the People will not tolerate IslamoFasciSocialism.  We will not tolerate it because our God has promised to destroy Communists upon his return.  If you have ears to hear, hear this:

"And another angel grabbed my roughly by my shoulder.  His face was that of a chiseled glistening fireman.  His body was that of an underwear model in his mid-twenties.  From him shone glory and came the musk of virility and velvet strength.  I placed my hand upon his chest and gazed upon his glorious countenance. His fiery chestnut eyes peered deep into my being and began, slowly, gently, fondling my soul.  My swollen lips parted as the petals of a lily, and he whispered into my mouth with breath of frankincense wine, "Say this unto those who would pool their resources not for the sake of profit but for the sake of the weak, those who would deny the inevitability of His will, those who would enter through the passage that has been deemed an exit only:  I will fuck you up, but good."

There it is.  Black and White.  Go ahead and read it yourself.  It's all there in Phallopians 3:4-10.  Glenn Beck is here to usher in the end times.  The communist, the atheist, the queer, the moslem, the hindoo...all of you better find a dark place to hide.  And when the shit-hammer falls, you better hope I don't find you first.  I'm not as gut-twistingly sexy as the Angel of Phallopi, but I do burn brightly with the desire of the LORD.

Show us the way, Glenn Beck.  This country is a hemorrhoid in need of surgery.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Titular Post

An old garbage collector, face fine and yellow as Chinese ivory, blows The Blast on his dented  brass horn,  wakes the Spanish pimp with a hard-on. Whore staggers out through dust and shit and litter of dead kittens, carrying bales of aborted foetuses, broken condoms, bloody Kotex, shit wrapped in bright color comics. 
-W.S. Burroughs, Naked Lunch

The End

I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I will vomit you out. 
You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. 
I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see. 
Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. 
So be earnest, and repent.
-YHWH via John the Apostle